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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790108">rocket man</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wckdroot/pseuds/wckdroot'>wckdroot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>not half as impossible as everyone assumes you are [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Fluff, More tags added as we go!, Sequel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:27:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,916</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27790108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wckdroot/pseuds/wckdroot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor has to deal with the consequences of her past with River, from how she left her with this face to the actions of her others. </p><p>River Song has a secret, a secret that she took to her deathbed but that secret is told as she is checked out of the library for good.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Amy Pond &amp; River Song &amp; Rory Williams, River Song &amp; Jack Harkness, Thirteenth Doctor &amp; Bill Potts, Thirteenth Doctor &amp; The Master (Dhawan), Thirteenth Doctor &amp; The Ponds, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>not half as impossible as everyone assumes you are [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. then the devil took your breath away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>you will need to read 'crying lightning' or this will not make sense at all &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>The Doctor could feel all three pairs of eyes on her as leant on the console, her own planted firmly to the ground.</p>
<p><br/>It had been two hours since she had left River. To be exact it had been two hours, three minutes and forty two seconds.</p>
<p><br/>"Doc, what's going on?"</p>
<p><br/>Two hours, three minutes and forty seven seconds.</p>
<p><br/>She pulled the lever down and transported the TARDIS from Leadworth for what she knew would be the last time, the Doctor had no interest in the place that held three too many ghosts. Her companions clung to the opposite side of the console, their wary stares unwavering.</p>
<p><br/>The TARDIS calmed her interior as she wandered through. A hand fell upon the Doctor's shoulder, which as she turned, she realised was Yaz's.</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor, what happened? One minute you are trying to find River to make it up to her, next minute you are dropping her back off and doing the whole silent treatment with us."</p>
<p><br/>"It doesn't matter. All you need to know is that River is gone."</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor shrugged off her hand, ignoring the hurt look in Yaz's eye, instead putting distance between the two.</p>
<p><br/>"It does matter."</p>
<p><br/>"You didn't even know her, you barely know me. So don't think you have any idea about what 'matters' to me or to her. River, she's gone and I'm left to grieve her all over again like I have been doing for over a thousand years."</p>
<p><br/>Yaz took a step back and Ryan and Graham clambered the stairs to stand behind her. The Doctor couldn't help but shout at her friend, her best friend. This body had never been that good at handling anger. </p>
<p><br/>The Doctor couldn't help but be angry. She was angry at the spark of hopeful denial that maybe River worked it out and she hadn't read the letter, that she would show up behind her and tell her that she forgave her. River would forgive her and then they'd find a way to save her, and her parents too. </p>
<p><br/>It broke her hearts, the tainted wish that she could go home to her Ponds again.</p>
<p><br/>And it tore her to shreds when the Doctor had waited two hours, five minutes and six seconds and River hadn't shown up.</p>
<p><br/>"So what now?"</p>
<p><br/>Ryan asked fretfully. She looked at the three of them. The first faces this face had seen but she couldn't find it in her to care about the significance of that anymore as the Doctor replied,</p>
<p><br/>"I'm going to go a sort this all over with the Shadow Proclamation, they owe me one and they have enough power over the Judoon to get them to drop the contract and after that, I don't know - maybe I will go see Stevie Wonder perform, it has been a while. But you three, you're gonna wait in here whilst I go there and then I'm taking you back to Sheffield."</p>
<p><br/>"What?" "Wait a minute!" "Nah!"</p>
<p><br/>All three of them shouted at her with dismay. The Doctor just clung to the console, ignoring their exasperation's as she pulled the lever down - transporting them directly to the Shadow Proclamation. </p>
<p><br/>"This isn't up for discussion. Trust me, this is for the best."</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor left no room for argument, her boots stomping against the TARDIS floor while she stormed from its interior and towards the headquarters. With a click of her fingers, the Doctor released a heavy breath when the doors to the TARDIS locked shut. </p>
<p><br/>As soon as the door had locked, the Doctor heard the familiar sound of guns cocking behind her. She rolled her eyes before turning around to look at her assailants </p>
<p><br/>"Sco bo tro no flo jo ko fo to to."</p>
<p><br/>"No bo ho sho ko ro to so. Bokodozogobofopojo."</p>
<p><br/>Bargaining for asylum with the Judoon was easier than she thought it would've been. The architect appeared from behind them, her pale skin harshly illuminated as she stepped forward.</p>
<p><br/>"The Time Lord has returned. You have changed since the last time you were here. Destroyer of Worlds, The Beast of Trenzalore, The Oncoming Storm, Demon, Hybrid, Fugitive."</p>
<p><br/>"I didn't come here for a chit chat."</p>
<p><br/>"The Doctor of war has no words? Your words were your weapons. Your words were the saviour of civilisations and the last ones heard by so many before their planets burned alongside their bodies."</p>
<p><br/>"This is about the contract put out on me by the Division."</p>
<p><br/>The Architect moved across the room to stand in front of the Doctor. She stood and stared at her face, as though searching for the cracks in her darkening armour.</p>
<p><br/>"What about it Doctor?"</p>
<p><br/>"You owe me."</p>
<p><br/>"Why would the Shadow Proclamation owe you anything, Doctor?"</p>
<p><br/>"I have sacrificed so much for the safety of this universe. Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane Smith, Donna Noble, Amelia Pond, Rory Williams, Clara Oswald, Bill Potts, River Song, Gallifrey and everyone who became before that. I have saved solar systems from destroying themselves, from destroying each other more times than I can count. I am the only reason this Shadow Proclamation ever formed. I was there when the stars were born, and I will be there when they die, choking on their own arrogance."</p>
<p><br/>“And where will you be after that?”</p>
<p><br/>Alone, the Doctor didn't say. </p>
<p><br/>The question had already been answered time and time again. The lonely God was meant to stay lonely.</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor I will grant you a clean record and a chance to disappear. The bounty on your current face will be gone and the Judoon will not be allowed to pursue you further. That is all I can do, the ones who want to imprison you are larger than us. The Division they call them, there are stories about them, that they are the lost soldiers of Gallifrey."</p>
<p><br/>"Thank you."</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor ignored the shadow architect's correct insinuations as she stepped back towards her TARDIS.</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor?"</p>
<p><br/>"Yes?"</p>
<p><br/>"Did you ever return to Gallifrey?"</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor slammed the door behind her as she walked into the TARDIS.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. and when you can't sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Why does it always have to be you? Everything I have ever done has always been about you. I was taken from Amy because of you. I was stripped of having a family and forced to watch my parents choose anything but a life with me because of you. It would always be you or themselves, never their own daughter. Maybe I should've listened to the universe on that pyramid when it told me loving you would tear it apart, tear me apart. I loved you and I waited. I always did but it would never be enough for you, would it?...</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>"You just take and take until there is nothing left! I die for you Doctor because your twisted version of love is the only one I have ever known! My first and final breath were tainted by you!"</em>
</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor sat in their room with her head in her hands with her life crumbling around her yet again. She knew involving the Shadow Proclamation to stop the Judoon was like putting a plaster over a bullet wound, the Master wouldn't give up that easily, never mind the Division, but what else could she do?</p>
<p><br/>After she had entered the TARDIS, her fam had bombarded her immediately with angry pleas for her not to leave them. The Doctor had shouted, again, and offered them one final night there but without her presence.  The TARDIS then had directed her to where she now sat with the soft melody of River's lullabies in an attempt to soothe her.</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor hadn't slept for a few decades after Darillium, and now after losing her wife again she knew history would repeat itself. If she slept, she was plagued with dreams of <em>her</em>, it had always been her for the past millennia. </p>
<p><br/>Suddenly, the lullaby halted and pulled her from her own withering mind. The Doctor turned her head to see Yaz stood at the door, her hands full with a plate and a mug.</p>
<p><br/>"Hiya..."</p>
<p><br/>"What'd you want?"</p>
<p><br/>"Thought you might want some custard creams and ice tea. We're thinking about watching 'Pting Fiction' if you wanna come and watch it with us, I know it's your favourite?"</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>"How about a film? There's not much else to do on a Sunday and you've obviously given up on your book."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>"Have you got The Lion King? Absolutely love The Lion King."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>River rolled her eyes at her suggestion but still pulled the battered copy of her favourite film from the shelf. </em>
</p>
<p><br/>"No thanks."</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor spun back around quick enough to not have to witness Yaz slamming of the dishes onto her drawers. </p>
<p><br/>"Look, Doctor, we are doing what you asked, we're leaving, so what else do you want us to do? I get it okay? River was your wife and now she is gone, and that's got to hurt but surely she wouldn't want you to be like this?"</p>
<p><br/>"You don't get it, do you? <em>This</em> is who am I, who I've always been."</p>
<p><br/>Still facing the away from her friend as she spoke, the Doctor listened to Yaz's footsteps and bristled at the feeling of the bed dipping as she sat down, a near enough stranger in her wife's place.</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor, you've been in my life for the past two years. No matter what you think, I do know you and you are the best person I know."</p>
<p><br/>"You know me? YOU know ME?"</p>
<p><br/>As she shouted, the Doctor rose from the bed which caused Yaz to stand with apprehension too. The Doctor stalked around the bed until she stood in front of her friend, her voice angered as she spoke,</p>
<p><br/>"Yaz, you don't know one real honest thing about me. You don't know my past or even my present. You don't know that I was the first to burn Gallifrey, that I murdered two point four seven billion children to only walk out of there alive unharmed. You don't that Rose Tyler was the one who taught me to love again and that Martha Jones was the smartest person alive because she took the chance to leave. You don't know about Donna Noble and how I stole her memories or how I ruined Amelia and Rory's life so many times because that's how cruel I am. You don't know about Jack or Clara or Bill. You don't know about the Master and how I failed them time and time again. And you especially have no idea about River and all the pain I inflicted in her life."</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor... you need to calm down."</p>
<p><br/>In her blind rage, the Doctor had failed to notice how she had backed Yaz up against the wall. The police officer attempted to not cower under the Doctor's heated words but she could hear the shakiness within her voice at her unfamiliar outburst. The timer traveller took a step backwards, twisting her hands together with a slither of guilt whilst she wandered back to the bed.</p>
<p><br/>"I'm sorry but I think it's best if you three just go now. I'm no good to anyone like this."</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor..."</p>
<p><br/>"Yasmin Khan, you're brilliant and so smart so please if not for yourself, for me, get out and run as far away from me as possible."</p>
<p><br/>Yaz's footsteps echoed around the room as she walked towards the Doctor. She then leant down, tilting the Doctor's head up with her hand whilst she placed a tender kiss upon her cheek. </p>
<p><br/>In another universe - maybe Rose's? - the two of them would have happened. Yaz happened to still love her in this universe though, the Doctor knew that - she wasn't completely emotionally challenged despite the awkwardness of her current face. Yet, the Doctor didn't have the room in her fracturing heart to love her back, well not like that anyway. </p>
<p><br/>Not properly, in the way she deserved.</p>
<p><br/>How was she supposed to love anyone when the gaping hole caused by the absence of River had reopened and was taking every molecule of happiness from her heart?</p>
<p><br/>"I'll tell Graham and Ryan. I guess that the TARDIS will just drop us off?"</p>
<p><br/>"Yeah... Yaz?"</p>
<p><br/>"Doctor?"</p>
<p><br/>"It's been good, hasn't it?"</p>
<p><br/>"The best."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-------------</p>
<p><br/>The whirring of the TARDIS' console finally lured her from her room.</p>
<p><br/>Graham and Ryan hadn't bothered to come and say goodbye but it wasn't like she could blame them really. After all, they had just given up a year of their lives just to protect her yet she had just gone and thrown it back in their faces. </p>
<p><br/>TARDIS doors had slammed shut and a sense of cruel relief had washed over her.</p>
<p><br/>The Doctor's hands fell upon the console, her exhausted body using it as a crutch. She didn't want to be this anymore, she never asked for any of it.</p>
<p><br/>All she had wanted all those years ago when they had first left Gallifrey, was freedom and happiness.</p>
<p><br/>Now, the Doctor was trapped.</p>
<p><br/>Trapped between an ever-growing pile of bodies of people who had died in her name and the splintering parts of her damaged soul.</p>
<p><br/>Her TARDIS whispered to her, pulling the Doctor from her thoughts as she proposed to her the question of looking outside of her doors.</p>
<p><br/>"I'm not in the mood, old girl... I know you think you're helping but the last thing I need right now is people."</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <em>"What matters is this. Doctor, don't travel alone."</em>
</p>
<p><br/>"No, you don't get to use her. Not now."</p>
<p><br/>The doors flung open and instead of Sheffield skies spilling through, the Doctor watched as an orange light that haunted her dreams stormed inside. </p>
<p><br/>"What do you think you're doing?"</p>
<p><br/>Around her the TARDIS glowed, it's interior replicating the cold warmth of the planet around it. The melody of those cursed Towers swam through the TARDIS, drowning the broken Time Lord.</p>
<p><br/>"I can't-I can't do this."</p>
<p><br/>Her fists connected with the console before she could make any attempt to control herself. She could feel her knuckles split and the TARDIS vibrate in retaliation under the force of her punches but the Doctor couldn't find it within herself to stop... </p>
<p><br/>That was until another impossible ghost that haunted her placed a comforting hand upon her shoulder, </p>
<p><br/>"Doctor?"</p>
<p><br/>"Bill?"</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>don't worry river will be back soon, i just couldn't write a fic without my favourite space lesbian.</p>
<p>@timegirlfriends on tumblr<br/>@sapphicriver on twitter</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. are we out of the woods yet?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Doctor stood in silence as she stared at her.</p><p><br/>
The form of the woman that had become like a grandchild to her old face and the one that gotten torn apart to make the first Cyberman. </p><p><br/>
"Come on, there should be something in the house to get you cleaned up."</p><p><br/>
She let Bill tug on her hand and drag her to a cottage that was mere feet away from where her and River's still stood.  The Doctor could only catch a glance at the garden that River had once obsessed over that was now overgrown as well as the dark blue paint of their front door that had been chipped away by time.</p><p><br/>
The hand that wrapped around her own pulled her away from her painful focus on the cottage and lead her to a tattered sofa. She let Bill wander in search of something to patch the broken skin of her knuckles, using her time alone to try and claw and grasp the calmness she usually possessed, despite the fact it would be useless.</p><p><br/>
Slowly, she allowed the regeneration energy to spill through her body like she had done before when she had been Jane and healing a bullet hole.</p><p><br/>
"Cool trick, but you coulda done that before I went and found all this."</p><p><br/>
Bill huffed as she dropped a cluster of what looked like a deconstructed first aid kit onto the counter near her. The Doctor analysed her movements, to reassure herself she was real as Bill took a seat beside her, the two of them falling into a silence that was foreign to them. She could feel eyes on her, probably searching for an answer that the Doctor just didn't have.</p><p><br/>
"So what are you doing here despite feeling sorry for yourself?"</p><p><br/>
Bill whispered, especially the last part, obviously recalling the scene she had stumbled in front of the TARDIS and the difference from the man she had once proudly called her mentor. </p><p><br/>
"Could ask you the same question."</p><p><br/>
The Doctor didn't mean to snap, especially not at Bill, yet the anger that was driven by guilt still simmered in her veins. Bill had been there last time when she had lost River and had been a shell of the Doctor she was once was, and Bill had been the one to resuscitate her from her grief. It didn't seem to deter her though, as Bill laid a hand upon her arm, and, despite the Doctor's offensive nature, replied, </p><p><br/>
“Nardole told me about this place and I wanted to see how you were before you met me. Plus he told me you had a well fit wife and I wanted to see if my Grandad truly had game once upon a time."</p><p><br/>
Even with a sharp pain blossoming within her hearts at the mention of River, she rolled her eyes and let out a subtle laugh. Bill was back and for right now, it was like nothing had changed - with the brunette still hopelessly in love with nearly every woman she saw (she had explained to her once that she was something called a 'hopeless lesbian'). The Doctor's laughter seemed to encourage her to continue,</p><p><br/>
"I knew the fit part was true though, I saw the picture on your desk - no offence Doctor but she was well out of your old faces league," The Doctor's raised eyebrow made her pause before she attempted to backtrack, "Not this one though like if it wasn't weird for me to hit on the person that was basically my grandad I would tell you you were hot but it is weird. Extremely weird."</p><p><br/>
The Doctor sighed at the comfort of her friend's familiar rambling as she settled into the sofa cushions, resting her head on the back of the sofa whilst Bill carried on with her explanation. For the first time since leaving River, the tension in her muscles seemed to relax slightly in Bill's presence.</p><p><br/>
"Since you know the whole 'me becoming a robot' thing, Heather took me to see the universe, which I am guessing you had already worked out because you ain't asking nearly enough questions. All I kept hearing were these stories about you and then about all these other people who used to travel with you. The best ones were about you and your wife. You and River are like this big myth throughout the entire universe and well, I wanted to meet her so me and Heather went searching for her. We decided to stop for a bit do the whole human thing for a bit, this seemed like the perfect place and Heather's even got a job at that restaurant. This was the second to last stop before someplace called the Library."</p><p><br/>
The Library. </p><p><br/>
That stupid library that she had hated ever since her past self had set foot in it. The Library, where she knew if she ever stood there again her guilt would rear its ugliness in the face of her trapped wife.</p><p><br/>
"She's gone, Bill. River's been gone for a very long time. She's trapped in the Library and there is no way to get her out, I've calculated every way and nothing would get her out of there the same way she went in."</p><p><br/>
"Have you actually tried?"</p><p><br/>
The aversion of her glazed eyes was the only confirmation Bill seemed to need. She watched as the brunette leant forward, a dangerous hopeful look in her eyes.</p><p><br/>
"Bill, no. There is an infestation of a species called Vashta Nerada within that library. They are swarms of carnivores that basically melt the flesh off any being and they move in the dark. The entire Library has been in darkness for I don't even know how long now and nothing with flesh is going to get in and out of there alive. So no, Bill, there isn't a way for me to try any kind of rescue."</p><p><br/>
"You know for someone so smart you really are dumb sometimes."</p><p><br/>
Her brow knitted as she stared at Bill, who dismissed her confusion with a roll of her eyes.</p><p><br/>
“Think you’re forgetting stuff in your old age, Grandad. I’m a cool space alien now, who happens to be 100% space oil. I’ve got nothing they can chew, no flesh for them to melt.”</p><p><br/>
It took her a few minutes to process. </p><p><br/>
If it had been any other day, if she hadn't just lost River all over again, the Doctor knew she would have probably declined Bill's involvement. Yet it wasn't any other day, and she didn't even attempt to stop the hope that swelled in her hearts.</p><p><br/>
"Bill, are you sure?" </p><p><br/>
"Doctor, you know this could work. Why shouldn't we at least try?"</p><p><br/>
Bill raised herself from the sofa, offering her hand expectantly to the Doctor who hastily took it. The two of them raced to the TARDIS who was now compliant with her request to enter.</p><p><br/>
"I don't think I like the makeover, feel more emo than the other one."</p><p><br/>
"Oi! Don't offend the old girl!"</p><p><br/>
Bill's laughter spread around the room and if the Doctor squeezed her eyes shut it was like she was in her old body again and Nardole was about to pop his head in to offer some annoying comment about them both. It felt like before the Cyber ship and the Master, before Gallifrey and the Chameleon Arch - it seemed untainted by the Doctor's presence and that helped absolve a tiny shard of the guilt around Bill that had festered since the events prior to her regeneration. The sound eventually stopped replaced by a question whilst the TARDIS flung them into the vortex,</p><p><br/>
"River seems like a Nan, rather than a Gran. What do you think?"</p><p><br/>
"I think, I won't be held responsible if she tries to shoot you if you call her that."</p><p><br/>
----------------------------</p><p><br/>
"Doctor, are you sure this is the right place?"</p><p><br/>
They had finally arrived at the Library and the Doctor insisted that Bill wore the glasses that she had once given to Rory at the Two Streams Facility. She had also passed along her memories of the last time she was there to try and quicken up the process, Bill's tears after witnessing them had nearly caused her own to reappear. After wrapping the brunette up in a hug, the Doctor stood in the TARDIS, her foot tapping anxiously as she fiddled with the monitor in hopes of gaining a picture. </p><p><br/>
"'Course I'm sure! Why?"</p><p><br/>
"Well, because it was supposed to be all dark, abandoned and scary."</p><p><br/>
"And it's not?"</p><p><br/>
"There are people here Doctor, lots of people. It all seems normal and there is loads of light, which means no weird flesh-eating aliens."</p><p><br/>
Puzzled, the Doctor checked the smaller screen which reassured her that it was five years after her last visit - long enough to not break any time streams according to her work. The crackling of the larger monitor she had been trying to fix as it turned on gained her attention. It showed the scene that Bill depicted perfectly, children running around as their parents handled stacks of books whilst a group of receptionists now manned the once empty desks with the creepy face interfaces gone. </p><p><br/>
The Doctor ran away from the monitor and through the TARDIS doors, narrowly avoiding Bill as she stumbled into the Library. </p><p><br/>
"No... no." </p><p><br/>
Guilt shackled her body as her eyes swept around the room. Her knees weakened beneath her and she could barely feel Bill's arms around her as she protected her from the fall. A warm hand cradled her head to Bill's chest as disbelief became painted across her soul.</p><p><br/>
"It can't, it- it's not right. No, no, River."</p><p><br/>
The last part came out as a whisper. She couldn't understand why it hurt so much to see that it had changed. Maybe it was because of her hidden God complex she knew she festered, her sadness at not being able to be the one to save the Library. It could have also been the fact that she had never been brave enough to check up on her wife and now the Doctor's petty cowardice was on show as her shock provided the truth.</p><p><br/>
Bill gently manoeuvred her back inside the TARDIS, caring enough to allow her to hide from the truth once again, and positioned her into a seated position on top of the steps.</p><p><br/>
"Let me do this Doctor."</p><p><br/>
She knew Bill expected objection but the Doctor wasn't strong enough to try as she accepted her offer with a nod of her head. The Doctor fumbled with her pockets and pulled her psychic paper and screwdriver from within it, placing it in Bill's hands whilst she mumbled,</p><p><br/>
"You might need this."</p><p><br/>
The brunette grasped the items, giving the Doctor's wrist a quick squeeze before turning the monitor so she could see it and then Bill left the TARDIS once again. Her eyes barely registered the screen in front of her as her friend walked through the Library.</p><p><br/>
------------------</p><p><br/>
Bill chanced a quick glance at the psychic paper. The Doctor had transferred instructions telepathically to the paper instead of telling her directly - not that she could really blame her for her lack of coherence. She couldn't even begin to comprehend what was probably going through her friend's mind right about now and if she was honest she didn't even want to try. If she did, Bill knew that she would replace the image of River's sacrifice with Heather in her place and the thought of that alone crippled her.</p><p><br/>
The paper had given her a few instructions, the first to find someone called Strackman Lux and if not him, someone who was actually in charge. Luckily for her when the Doctor had shared her memories, it had given her a face to try and locate him with. She found him behind a reception desk surprisingly, not that he looked like he was doing anything to actually help instead just observing the people that passed him by. </p><p><br/>
"Strackman Lux?"</p><p><br/>
He looked her up and down, silently interrogating her presence but Bill returned his stares with her own. His face had aged since the last time the Doctor had seen him, his cheeks hollowed and hairline receded but it was definitely him.</p><p><br/>
"That is me. Is there something I could help you with, Ma'am?" </p><p><br/>
"Guessing you don't remember me. I'm the Doctor, I got a new face. Just trust it, it happens."</p><p><br/>
"I hate it when you all do that."</p><p><br/>
The Doctor's grumbling came through the audio of the glasses that were perched upon her nose.</p><p><br/>
"Yes, I own the largest library in the universe. Of course, I know about the regeneration of Time Lords but I am hardly going to trust some random woman. The last time I saw you you were a man, for god's sake."</p><p><br/>
Bill huffed as she turned the psychic paper towards him with whatever it was portraying luckily persuading him to accept 'her' identity. She watched as his eyes widened before they returned to her, an apologetic look schooling his features.</p><p><br/>
"Sorry Doctor, after everything with the Vashta Nerada you must understand our need to be extra cautious with any visitors."</p><p><br/>
"Hmm, yeah whatever. What happened to them? The Vashta Nerada?" </p><p> </p><p>Bill's eyes motioned to the bustling room around her and the occupants' carefree nature and intact flesh.</p><p><br/>
"Well, after you disappeared we were lucky a generous benefactor came forward with a solution to our little problem."</p><p><br/>
"I wouldn't call that a little problem mate."</p><p><br/>
"The Vashta Nerada are gone, I assure you. Now if that is all?"</p><p><br/>
Bill recalled the instructions in her head, remembering the next step in their plan.</p><p><br/>
"Actually, no. I need to speak to CAL."</p><p><br/>
She could see the hesitancy within his features at her request. Bill knew it was his family, had learnt that from the Doctor's memories, she was a child's consciousness trapped as the main command node of the planet but a child Mr Lux had wished to protect nonetheless. </p><p><br/>
"Look I'm <em>the</em> Doctor, I helped you last time and sacrificed a lot to do so. You have to let me see her." </p><p><br/>
"...Follow me."</p><p><br/>
She hastily followed him through the library, not giving him time to change his mind, until she was in front of the data core where the Doctor had once stood. </p><p><br/>
"Doctor, you need to know something. Charlotte was removed from the node four years ago and taken back home. The system has been left mainly unmonitored since then."</p><p><br/>
Bill could sense that there was some apologetic message he was trying to convey through his words, which for now she failed to understand. </p><p><br/>
"Bill, you need to get to that computer. Now."</p><p><br/>
The Doctor's words spurred her on, her hand pointing the Doctor's screwdriver at the system, which allowed her entrance to the core systems. Bill watched as River's name appeared on the screen yet it was the information that was written below it that chilled her.</p><p><br/>
<strong>'RIVER SONG' HAS LEFT THE LIBRARY</strong>
</p><p><br/>
The sound of glass smashing echoed through the audio link before the connection severed altogether, the silence telling her enough.</p><p><br/>
They were too late and River was gone. </p><p><br/>
<em>River was gone.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>it's been a while, hasn't it?</p><p>not to go too deep in the chapter notes, but a lot of crazy stuff has been going on and i kinda lost my love for writing at all especially this series :( but i am back and (hopefully) here to stay :)</p><p>RIVER WILL BE BACK VERY SOON DON'T WORRY</p><p>@timegirlfriends on tumblr<br/>@wckdroot on twitter</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>and we are back! </p><p>intervals between chapters may be longer due to life but i couldn't just put these two to rest without some resolution.</p><p>@timegirlfriends on tumblr<br/>@sapphicriver on twitter</p></blockquote></div></div>
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